25 Years of wedded bliss ...

That 'wedded bliss' part, is kinda Mark and my go to catch phrase over the course of our marriage. Always spoken with the ever present air of sarcasm that abounds in our home. You likely could insert most any number up to the current 25 years we are celebrating. Well, maybe not our first few. You know, young and oh so in love and looking at life through those rose colored glasses. And then life happened. Not in a bad way. Just not how you pictured it in your minds eye.

We have traveled a long road to reach this day. I could bore you to death and spout all the usual cliches about the twists and turns, peaks and valleys, mistakes and regrets and joys and sorrows that have been part of the journey, but I venture to guess, that most everyone that will be reading this, that is married or has ever been married, can relate to all that . You must know already, that to reach 25 years, has most likely not been easy in some moments. There have been times when the lure of the  path of least resistance, looked appealing. But here we stand. United when it has counted. Especially during Zoey's most difficult days. We have the most amazing children. Bar none. Good human beings with beautiful souls. And perhaps in the end, they stand as the greatest testament of our love.

On Memorial Day Mark and I and the 'little set', went to Descanso Gardens. A place that I cannot even begin to describe. It is beautiful and tranquil there. Truly magnificent piece of expansive land. We walked for hours. Thankful that Zoey is still so tiny and I could strap her on my back and hike and explore. Won't always be as effortless as it was with her that day.

 But I did not focus on the tomorrows. Instead was only grateful for the ease and peacefulness of the day. Ease and peacefulness isn't always present in our daily lives but that day was different. Mark and I soaked in the rare time spent together and although we were missing the older girls, we found beauty in where our life is today, with the gift and opportunity of raising 3 other children. Not necessarily better parents this time around, but different and hopefully wiser. And certainly we are not losing sight of how fleeting these days are. The last 25 have taught us that, and so much more.

Disjointed post. The heavy and the light hearted of it all.

So, with all the fanfare of Zoey and her oncology check up and such, I missed updating on a few things. Mainly, Matt running his first full marathon and pulling out a 3 hr and 39 minute final finish. 26.2 miles. Crazy good. His goal was to come in under 3 hrs. and 45 and looks like he blew that out of the water. Jess ran her personal best in the half marathon and crossed the finish line with a smile. She and I then ran to meet Matt at mile 24, where he declared: " Tired. Cramping. And I could cry." We gave him a much needed pick me up and we booked it back to the finish line to see him cross in typical upbeat Matt style.

  I sulked around the course that morning, missing the fact that I wasn't running. Unable to properly train due to all my recent health issues. But I am better and managing my new diagnoses and ready to jump back into training. My latest obsession: A sprint triathlon with Zoey. Trying to figure the logistics of it but I am nothing if not persistent, so I will give it my best shot.

The boys are out of school in 2 weeks and I am ready. Ready to not be a slave to the clock. I crave routine but I am anxious for things to ease up a bit. Things will still be busy, but not in the same way. We are preparing our summer bucket list and have a trip to Oregon planned for my nephews wedding and I am also heading back to NY for my 30th high school reunion. Surreal. Seeing I could swear I was just 30 myself. I hardly recognize the 17 year old girl, of days gone by.

Mark has been starting up a new show, which has necessitated EXTREME hours. His industry and I have a definite love/hate relationship and recently, as I was literally stumbling around the house, trying to take care of the kids, one of them 100% dependant upon me, and I mean while was at the mercy of one of my unrelenting vertigo episodes, with few options other than to soldier on,  I found myself in most definitely the 'hate' phase of my feelings about Marks work and his proximity to the house. Something has got to give and one thing, for the first time ever in our lives of raising children, I have seriously contemplated moving closer to LA and Hollywood. We are losing so much precious time as a family,  I am missing having a partner to help parent, that the thought of tacking on 3 plus hours to the day with each other, is luring me that way. Whether it is truly feasible, remains to be seen.

Speaking of extreme and as it is defined:

ex·treme

 [ik-streem] Show IPA adjective, ex·trem·er, ex·trem·est, noun

adjective

1.

of a character or kind farthest removed from the ordinary or average

2.

utmost or exceedingly great in degree

3.

farthest from the center or middle; outermost; endmost

I have a post partially written about this 'extreme parenting' some of us do. My beautiful friend Elizabeth defines this crazy dance we do with raising not only our typical children but the raising of our 'other' children, as just that, 'extreme parenting'. It is much more complex and multi-layered than that but for now, take my Monday for instance. I spent the majority of my day amongst what I best describe as my 'people'. I schlepped my little love around the halls of CHLA. Feeding her on the go. Maneuvering her chair from one place to another. Changing a diaper in the bathrooms as I did wall squats with her draped over my arm in a version of a football hold. Holding her tiny body close, as to not let her flailing arms hit the needle during her blood draw.  Normal stuff for me. All the while I can weirdly and effortlessly step into an environment that very few can imagine. I am surrounded by children with various disorders and diseases and equipment that I am sure, the majority of others have never glimpsed. I can engage in conversations that involve, life and death and loss and strokes and chemo and seizures and hemispherectomies and tube feedings and wheelchairs and, well the list goes on. And then, I flip this switch, come home, pack a picnic dinner, head over to the boys open house, where there is 700 plus kids and families milling around, doing their thing and you know what? I feel absolutely and positively out of place. Uncomfortable in my skin and the chip on my shoulder is becoming a boulder and all I can think about is how I want to get back to my 'peeps'. I let comments like " Joe, your sister is funny looking." or "Daddy what is wrong with that girl." and the reply, " I have ABSOLUTELY NO idea.", get to me. Really get to me. And all I wanted to do was go home. Quickly.

Anyway, more on that later. With some honest talk about what it is like to be a parent in this life we are living and continually learning, in. I try to articulate it to others, and admittedly do not do it very well. I fall short of expressing the continual balancing act that needs to be done. And how, we can live this life in extreme parenting with one foot in a world of fear, inadequacy and yes, sometimes even deep despair and sadness, and also derive joy of the immeasurable sorts from life as well. It's a crazy beautiful life but boy, is it difficult sometimes. A lot of the time in fact. That is the truth of the matter. That is sometimes what I really need people to know. How sometimes I want people to stand in awe and wonder how it is we all manage to stand upright on somedays. Well, that is the jist of it. Simplified of course. Some may be interested in it, some will not. I once had someone say that they like reading the good stuff here and not the downer stuff.  I get that I guess, but it is not the reality. Not the reality of my life at least and I venture to guess not the life of many others, Whether you 'extreme parent' or not.

Okay, disjointed. Didn't I warn you?

My sweet Miss Z ...

Three years ago this month, this was my girl, in her very last round of chemo. Would you please look at the head of hair?  So stubborn was this child of mine, that she decided that in her mere 2 years of existence in this life, that this sometimes cruel world had taken enough from her, that no way was it taking her hair. Some say she gets that stubborness from me. Maybe.

 

  Zoey journeyed those 8 months with such beauty and grace and forgiveness. She really and truly did. Nothing was clearer to me, than that, as I poured over posts these last few days. And that beauty and grace and yes, even that forgiveness, she did not get from me. That baby girl, is all you.

Yesterday  Zoey was at Children's for her 4 month oncology check up. It was a very long day but well worth it. Zoey's labs were the best they have ever been. She has had what we like to say, sluggish bone marrow, for nearly 3 years and finally has just gotten with the program and is kicking out an abundance of all she needs to keep healthy and give us some reassurance that she is on the right track. We have been cut loose for 6 months. Twice a year. Can you believe that? There was a day, and it didn't seem all that long ago, that bi-yearly check ups seemed so far out of reach. But here we are. Here she is, because once again, it has been very little us and all her. We never lose sight of that. And we never stop acknowledging the gift of our days with her. Ever. Thank you one and all for your phone calls, messages,  texts, emails and comments on FB . We have felt the love and have appreciated it more then you could ever possibly know.

This is the face of beauty and grace. This is the face of continued remission. We are blessed.

I just loved this picture of Auntie Zoey and Charlotte. They simply adore each other.

The power of our words ...

My beautiful friend Elizabeth, who blogs over at ' a moon, as if it had been a shell', is putting together a video and she would love your help. If you are a parent, not just a mom mind you, even you dads, especially you dads out there, if you are a parent of a child with special healthcare needs, she is looking for your words of wisdom. Please link over and read about her project and consider submitting your photo. I did mine, and you know how much I LOVE photo taking but the cause was the draw and well worth me getting over myself for a few clicks of the camera. Besides, I know for certain that the finished product is going to be amazing and perhaps one day, when a parent is searching for guidance as they navigate these uncharted, tumultuous and often terrifying waters, maybe, just maybe, our words might  help them keep their head above water. 

Just a few pictures of my sweet girl and when I say sweet, can I tell you, I could not even estimate how many times a day Zoey comes up to us and gives us kisses. Just out of the blue. Unsolicited. If she is sitting with us she leans over and kisses our shoulders and hands and cheeks and kissing feet, has been known to happen from time to time as well. We are working on that tongue action but for now, we will take what we can get. The love this child exudes, that pure, unconditional love, has certainly been our lifeline on this unexpected journey of ours.

Oh. My. Gosh ...

Talk about a crazy few days. Crazy beautiful but wow, I am exhausted. Well, scratch that. WAS exhausted. Hit my second wind, which means I am probably good to go for another hour or more. Just the way this body of mine works. It does not have an easy shut down button. And sometimes, even I wish it did.

Fairly lazy blogger post. Mainly pictures. Best sometimes anyway. The one thing I do not have, is a picture of me with all the kids. Seemed like we were always missing one, at some point or another. But on the whole, managed to capture most of the moments of the weekend. Later, when I do head to bed, whenever that may be, most likely the house will be still and quiet and I will wander upstairs, after everyone has gone to bed and I will briefly pause at the doorways of everyone's room. soaking in how lucky i am to have my older children here with me. Even Jess who comes and spends a couple nights a week here, when Matt is working a 24 or 48. I will sneak in and kiss the boys and I will gently re-tuck Zoey  and I will reflect on how absolutely blessed I am to be given this life that I have. How it has come to be, continues to confound me and astounds me. But blessed I am indeed

Danny's USC Graduation was incredible. Friday was a long day. 5:50 am, out the door for some and most of us home at 8pm. But boy can I tell you,  was it worth it. Charlotte, Zoey, the boys ... they were so well behaved, and the day, well, I hope it turned out to be all that Danny dreamed it to me and maybe, more so. He now holds a Masters in Engineering, no small feat, and something tells me, this is only the beginning.


The two finger victory salute that has become synonymous with USC. Even Zoey will do it when Danny breaks into the USC victory chant!







Next up ... Saturday's 'surprise' party for Danny at the beach. He knew though, someone let it slip, but it still was a wonderful celebration. The weather was not quite as we had hope but no matter. A good time was had by one and all. We didn't take as many good photos as I had hoped but I was looking through the ones we did have and noticed the new graduate and his little family, all in their USC attire. Alma mater proud or what? Ignore me in the one photo. I chose it for Catlin and Danny. I loved how tightly they were holding each others hand in the picture. As for me,  I was asked to give a little speech. Honored to do it but can I tell you, some of you may remember, I mentioned it before, that I failed, yes failed, typing in high school but also, another little known fact, I chose English Lit. over a cushy public speaking class due to my phobia of speaking in front for crowds. But I managed. Or at least I think I did.







Next up, Sunday. Which held, Joe's First Communion, his soccer game that immediately followed and no he did not wear his uniform underneath his church clothes, much to his dismay. Brunch was here and then, no sooner had Taylor arrived home from college a few weeks agao and whoosh, gone again. Moved into a 6 bedroom house today with some other girls who will be seniors at Pepperdine as well. She isn't far but I sure will miss her and Miss Zoey, she has loved having Taylor home and I think she will most definitely miss her presence here maybe the most. Picture marathon to follow, mostly for the East Coast contingent, who will be watching and waiting for photo documentation of all the festivities.


The favorite auntie, my sister, Shannon.


The crew minus Caitlin because they hadn't gotten to church and our window for photos outside was dwindling.


My mom and dad with 5 of the 17 grandchildren.


If only I knew what he was saying...




Taylor had already left by the time we got around to taking pictures. Would you look at Jake's face please? He looks at Joe like this often!


Can you tell my Joe's face that he is trouble? Sweet but boy is that child 'full of energy'.



Three generations of moms.


Some of the kids. Some of the grandkids. Better than nothing.


And, she's off ...


Mover Mark wearing of course his Kings shirt because least we forget that also today was game one of the Western conference finals. Joe is in his game jersey and was hoping to stow away in the back of the truck to go with Mark. That would be the truth, and he was clueless why that might not be a good idea.

Last but not least, Zoey, hanging out by the moving truck. Happy as could be. That child is a dream. She really is.



So just as I thought, up for another almost, another 2 hours. If you made it to the end, once again, thanks for that. Will try for some quick ones over the next week or so now that things are hopefully settling down a bit. Hopefully. But seriously, now that I think of it, do things ever really settle down around here anyway?

All better now ...

  The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.  ~ Buddha


No reason relevant to this post to place this here. Just a sweet picture of my girl at the Mother's Day Tea at school this morning. She is just so flipping darling. And just SO HAPPY and, I fall more in love with this child with each passing day.


So grateful for the outpouring of comments and emails and texts and little presents that arrived in the mail, at just the right time. All of it, just proving that I am surrounded by, virtual and otherwise, the most incredible friends and family, I could ever hope for. Really and truly.



My time away was nice. That is once I got over the waves of panic attacks that hit me all morning and drove me to almost not going altogether.  No joke.  However, the peace and solitude was eventually a welcomed and much needed respite. Strange at first, seeing I have never been away by myself, and  by the time I got use to it, it was time to turn around and come  home. But while I was away I managed to spend a few hours on the beach and just listened to that rhythmic and healing rush of the ocean waves. I read more than I have in forever. I ate yummy food at restaurants, all by my lonesome. And I was okay with that.  Went to the movies. And, lost myself in some mindless TV ... like 'Storage Wars' ... it was like a train wreck that I just could not look away from and  watched far too many back to back episodes, losing precious time that could have been spent otherwise ....  like sleeping. But oh well, kinda what the time was meant for. Just doing whatever I wanted to do, with no distractions and interruptions and guilt thinking I should be doing something else .. like cleaning toilets.

Which I did before I left of course. But does that surprise anyone that knows me?? Before I walked out the door, the house was clean, the laundry baskets were all empty, the refrigerator stocked and a pan of brownies baked. I have problems. I really do. But you know what? I don't know how else to be. And really, on most days, I wouldn't wish to be any other way.

Everyone survived my absence and once I walked in the front door, life picked up where it left off.  And that is a beautiful thing, as life in our home has been filled with such complexities on so many different levels, for so long, that it is important to stand back and see the beauty that abounds even amongst the chaos. It is just that the beauty becomes clouded on some days. Life is far from perfect and I, I am far, far from perfect. I think as I approach 48 in a few months, it would be wise to lower some of my expectations. Of myself, as well as of others. I am a continual work in progress. One of my many mantras.



So many other things to share  but it looks like each thing might just warrant a few separate posts, and for now, just do not have the time. Danny graduates from USC tomorrow, which is the huge news around here. We are beyond proud of him. Masters in engineering at a absolutely hard core academic school. Fast tracked it in a year AND has worked full time  AND has been an incredible daddy and father along the way. Did I happen to mention he is not quite 23? Not that age should be a factor necessarily but seriously, the boy blows me away.  Celebration of that is all day and will continue into the weekend and then Sunday, Joe makes his 1st Communion. Which is Mother's Day and brunch will be here. Throw in a plethora of other little tid bits, like Joe having a rescheduled soccer game on Sunday that he refuses to miss. In fact, he wondered if he should just put on his soccer uniform under his 1st Communion clothes. Only Joe would seriously contemplate that.




Whew. I think  I might need another weekend away before long, don't you?

I'll be back ...